The Bad Touch
by Sisco
Summary: Yaoi. Kakashi and Iruka are on the hunt for the elusive Kyuubi Uzumaki.  However, they find something better, which turns into something a little too steamy for our fine journalists.


The Bad Touch

Kakashi and Iruka's Disturbing Discovery

By: Me

To: Vege

X x X

"Iruka," Kakashi whispered with an urgent tone toward his partner standing just a few meters away from him. "Bring the camera over here."

"Did you find an Uzumaki Kyuubi," Iruka asked eagerly, but kept his voice down just as low as Kakashi's.

The older man shook his head no; the lower half of his face covered by a mask and concealing the eager grin that Iruka knew was there.

"Then why are you being so insistent? I'm wasting film because all you've been wanting are animals that aren't even part of this pro…" A pale hand pressed against his lips, successfully cutting him off from the rest of his sentence. He glared at the arm the hand was attached to and then at the face. He considered biting the other man, but thought better of it when he realized he didn't know where that hand had been. Iruka quickly pulled away and hastily wiped his mouth off with the sleeve of his sweater.

Kakashi stared at him inquiringly before shrugging and turning back to whatever he was staring at before. "It's even better than an Uzumaki Kyuubi. It's a Cursed Seal Uchiha." He parted the bushes and pointed at a small, grayish-black creature crouching near the stream's edge and sipping at the water lazily.

"Mah," Iruka started softly. "What's it doing way out here? They don't usually come so far south unless…"

"It's mating season," Kakashi stated, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "This is great! We'll be able to witness the mating habits of an Uzumaki, which we have been determinedly searching for, and an Uchiha." And right on cue, a startling sound burst through the brush on the other side of the stream the Uchiha was drinking from, revealing their main target.

Iruka prepared the camera immediately and stood at Kakashi's side. After a long, strenuous moment, Iruka had to prod his partner in the side with his elbow to get him to speak for the viewers.

"Ah," Kakashi stuttered abashedly and stumbled forward slightly, as if he had been in a trance. "Yes…Um…"

'This video is going to need a lot of editing,' Iruka noted to himself with a deadpan expression.

Kakashi cleared his throat before trying to continue again. "As you see here before us, we have a Cursed Seal Uchiha that we've decided to name, Sasuke and an Uzumaki Kyuubi that we'll call, Naruto. It's the beginning of mating season here and the Uchiha has made a perilous journey from the north of Japan all the way to the south to find a suitable mate."

Iruka tilted his camera toward the fiery looking Uzumaki making his way across the stream straight for the Uchiha.

"Not many know of the mating rituals of these two humanoid mammals, because not many have ever risked their lives to try and witness this remarkable event up close." Kakashi grinned almost lecherously, but only the curve of his eye would show it.

Both observers watched carefully for any strange signs within the humanoids' movements. Kakashi was caught by surprise as the Uzumaki lunged in their direction and toppled Iruka over along with the camera.

The darker man yelped in surprise and tried to get to his feet before the humanoid decided to do anything else drastic…like kill him.

Kakashi looked from a frantic cameraman to a bemused looking Uchiha standing only a few feet away. He did a quick cursory glance toward the camera and was relieved to see that it was still rolling and coincidentally in Iruka and the rabid Uzumaki's direction. "Wait…Iruka, stop struggling!"

"What? Why? He's trying to kill me," Iruka whispered tensely, trying not to startle the Kyuubi anymore than he apparently already was. He choked slightly when a clawed hand closed around the back of his throat; the nails digging into his flesh painfully. He relaxed immediately, thinking that maybe Naruto was finding him more of a threat if he struggled. The claw pulled away then, much to Iruka's relief, but it settled between his shoulder blades. He resisted the urge to shudder at the touch.

Kakashi started speaking as lowly as he could without attracting Naruto or Sasuke's attention, but loudly enough for the viewers to hear. "Sorry for the dramatic interruption folks, but as you can see…my cameraman had an unfortunate attack by Naruto. There's a reason for this though…" He crept slowly toward the camera, wincing when both the Uchiha and Uzumaki looked up at him with curiosity. He slowly slid the camera back away from the two humanoids and was hoping with all his might that they thought he was invisible. "Urm…N-Naruto was giving a show for the Uchiha of strength and dominance..."

Iruka looked up abruptly at his partner and glared. "So I had to be the test subject?!" He cringed as Naruto's claw dug into his back and his hot breath rushed over his sensitive skin. "Erm…" He reluctantly submitted to the humanoid sitting on his back.

"Just go with it for now, Iruka. We'll figure out how to get you out of there," Kakashi reassured. He suddenly felt a wave of panic as Iruka glared rusty daggers at him. He swallowed thickly as he refocused on the two humanoids with the camera. "It seems that the Uchiha is showing interest toward the Uzumaki…and unfortunately me as well."

The Uchiha looked about ready to attack the silver-haired explorer when Naruto gained his attention again by showing off his shimmering, golden tail and waving it gracefully back and forth.

Kakashi sighed in relief and started his explanation again. "Now Naruto is demonstrating his health and beauty, and once again the Uchiha is impressed."

Sasuke flapped his webbed wings to show his approval and possibly his own physical condition. He approached Naruto with peeked interest and pressed their lips together.

Both Iruka and Kakashi began to feel a bit hot under the collar as they watched the two creatures make out in front of them.

Finally, Naruto moved away from his prey to settle down next to his newly found mate to continue their session and started massaging his lover's wings, hoping it would allow him to continue further in their ritual.

Sasuke purred contentedly and moved in closer to the blonde Uzumaki's embrace. He wrapped his arms around Naruto's back as he spread his legs over the other's thighs.

Iruka cautiously crawled toward Kakashi and slapped him hard against the head. "You idiot," he hissed loathingly. "You're going to be finding yourself a new partner if you allow this to continue."

"Itai, Iruka-kun," Kakashi winced and rubbed the side of his temple. He peered at the younger man and noticed the faint blush crossing his cheeks. "Eh, Iruka-kun. You look really cute like that." He pointed at the cameraman's face with a lecherous grin. "Do watching humanoids rut make you all hot and bothered?"

The darker man flushed deeper and turned away from his partner with a huff. "I'm not the only one blushing, you pervert!"

Kakashi chuckled and returned his attention to his two subjects. He cleared his throat before continuing again. "They will officially become mates when the Uzumaki inserts his penis…"

"Kakashi," Iruka exclaimed. "You're not supposed to say that on national television. There are going to be teens watching this and you're going to give them the wrong idea!"

"Don't be silly, Iruka-kun. This is a scientific show. I'm allowed to say 'penis'." He stared at his young partner with a sneer. "You're so cute, and modest."

This video was definitely going to be edited if Iruka had anything to say about it. He squeaked when one of the humanoids let out a moan. It had even caught Kakashi's attention and he actually had the decency to blush.

"This…reminds me of something out of one of my Icha Icha books back at home." Kakashi leaned over the camera slightly, as if to get a better look at the humanoids rutting. "It's…really hot, eh Iruka-kun?"

Iruka was struggling to find the right words while at the same time fighting off his embarrassment. "Mah, Kakashi, let's just get this over with. I want to go home!" He turned away from the scene and tried to ignore the arousing sounds of possessive growling and whimpering. Iruka hunched his shoulders, as if thinking this would alleviate his all of a sudden keen sense of hearing. "I'm going to go back to the RV," he muttered toward his partner and marched off.

Kakashi waited until his original cameraman was out of view before turning back toward his quarry. "I could almost make this out of a porno video." He leered viciously as he continued to film the humanoids. They weren't all that much different from humans after all. It actually just came down to the issue of the extra appendages: the tail, fox ears, and wings. Their fangs and special markings could easily be looked over.

As he was off in his own little world, he never noticed the stars of his wicked dreams departing until one of them snapped a twig under their foot. He looked up abruptly and gave chase to the creatures; completely forgetting that he had left the camera rolling.

A few hours later he had finally returned to the RV with the camera in tow and a few scrapes and bruises.

Iruka greeted him as soon as he entered through the door and then released a fit of giggles at the image of his partner. "Dear gods, Kakashi. Did you try to direct them in how to properly mate?" He couldn't hold it in any longer and burst out laughing; tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Chi…I wish that was what happened. I ran into a Haruno. She was apparently seeking out our Uchiha, Sasuke. Imagine her surprise when she found out that he was already called for. I got the blunt of her frustration."

Iruka cringed; actually feeling sorry for his partner. He knew what it was like to get on a Haruno's bad side. They were particularly vicious when it came to seeking out a mate. "In any case, you made it back in one piece with the camera. You got all of the footage, right?"

"Uh…I wish I had gotten more. But this will do." Kakashi shrugged the camera up from under his arm for emphasis and placed it on the counter. "Go ahead and get the RV ready. I want to get out of her as much as you do."

The darker man grinned triumphantly and started for the driver's seat. "Yes, sir!" Just as the engine revved up wildly, a thick, golden, bushy tail fell in front of the windshield. "Ah…Kakashi? You might want to see this."

Kakashi rushed to the front of the camper and gapped at the fox's tail. "It's them. It has to be!"

"But why are they on top of the RV," Iruka asked skeptically. "They can't be that ignorant." He followed the older man out and gasped when he could see four pairs of eyes peering down at them with apathetic curiosity.

"It's a high place and so it's a perfect place to nest," Kakashi explained with a conceited grin.

Iruka snorted as he hit his partner in the back of the head. "Idiot! We need to get them down so we can go home! What is our boss going to say when he sees two wild humanoids using our rented RV as a…a…NEST?!"

Kakashi staggered for a moment from the hit and stared at the cameraman guardedly. "Ah, there's no way you can remove them. When they decide on a nesting spot, that's it! There's no way you're going to move them. They'll risk their own lives to protect it."

"W-What? You're kidding me!"

"I'm sure they'll let us take it back to Konoha. Come on Iruka, get into the RV and let's go home! I can't wait to get a nice hot shower!" Kakashi stretched his arms out over his head with a sigh, and pointedly ignored the stunned expression on his partner's face. "Something the matter," he asked without even looking up. "You don't seem to be moving toward the vehicle."

Iruka threw a rock at the idiotic journalist and then proceeded to throw anything else within reaching range of his deadly hands.

Easily enough, Kakashi missed every object thrown his way while even keeping his composed expression. "Now, now, Iruka-kun. There's no need to get violent, is there?"

"I'm not driving back all the way to Konoha with two humanoids riding on top of the RV you idiot," Iruka bellowed; also startling the two creatures on top of their ride. "People are going to think we're crazy…or abusing them! We'll possibly even get pulled over by the highway patrol or Humane Society!"

Kakashi dug his pinky finger into his ear, as if the pitch of Iruka's voice had actually caused him to go deaf. "Chill out. We'll just tell them that they chose our very nice RV as their nesting place and we can't do anything about it or they'll tear us limb from limb." He grinned at his partner, obviously very proud of his plan…or he really was trying to be stupid. And going by Iruka's defeated appearance; it must have been the latter.

Iruka looked about ready to pick up a sharp and pointy stick to chase his partner around with it. Just then he noticed from the corner of his eye; the two creatures climbing down from the RV and entering through the open door. Iruka started looking for that said weapon and decided that stabbing the bastard was better than chasing him. He would go home alone; with or without the movie. He didn't care anymore!

"Eh, Iruka-kun. Maybe they like us and want us to keep them." Kakashi scratched the back of his head anxiously and laughed. "There's no law where it says we can't keep humanoids as pets."

Iruka murmured something under his breath about idiotic journalists with machetes sticking out of their spiky heads. In any case, he still continued in his search for a stick. Iruka immediately found one and picked it up to scrutinize. "Eh, isn't sharp enough." He tossed it over his shoulder and started to look for another one. He looked up when he felt something tugging on his pants' leg and thought it was the pale man. He was about to turn around and wring the other's neck.

The Uzumaki Kyuubi that had attacked him earlier was now trying to get his attention and looking at him with imploring eyes. He lifted a bag of chips into the man's view and as soon as Iruka plucked it from his small, clawed hands, he ambled back into the camper where his mate was still residing.

"W-what was that about?" Iruka stared at the bag of dried potato skins in his hand and back up at the RV. He had to admit though; it was really…cute. Iruka smiled; the thought of killing his partner completely forgotten. Maybe keeping the adorable creatures wouldn't be so bad after all.

Kakashi took his chance of approaching the cameraman and smirked at him. "See? You can't resist their charm. He wanted to make you feel better because he knew you were upset." He took the bag from Iruka's hands and opened it. The smell of fresh, fried potatoes wafted in the air, making Iruka's nose tingle.

If it hadn't been for the smell, Iruka would probably still been in a daze. He peered at his partner and then at the open door way to their camper. He didn't say a word to Kakashi as he entered the RV and didn't reappear until several minutes later with both the Uzumaki Kyuubi and the Cursed Seal Uchiha in his arms; cradling them like they were his children.

Kakashi's expression softened as he watched the darker man coddle the creatures. They seemed to be enjoying the attention; even the typically edgy Uchiha. It was amazing what a simple gesture from a cute humanoid could do to change someone's mind. "Mah, Iruka-kun. Have you decided that you wanted to keep them?"

Iruka stiffened to the question. He didn't look up at the other, but kept his gaze fastened to the Uchiha's golden and black eyes instead. "Yes," he started softly; hesitantly. "They don't seem to be 'that' dangerous… I think they would make very good companions for humans. I would like to breed them, but they're both males."

"Ah," Kakashi grinned as he took a chip from the bag in his hand and put it into his mouth. He waited until he chewed and swallowed it before speaking again. "That doesn't mean anything, Iruka-kun. One of them can undeniably bear young. I believe its Sasuke." He pointed to the grayish-black humanoid in Iruka's left arm.

"Oh?" Iruka's eyebrow rose quizzically. "And how do you know this?"

Kakashi snickered and took another chip into his mouth. "Notice how he was submissive toward Naruto?" He didn't wait for a response from Iruka. "My theory is; just because they may appear male doesn't mean their reproductive organs are the same." He pointed at Naruto then; the Kyuubi's vivid blue eyes focusing on the pale man with interest. "And thus, Naruto is the true male."

Iruka's grip tightened slightly around the two creatures in his arms. "So that means…"

"Yes," Kakashi concluded. "There are only a select few Uchihas that are completely female, but either way you look at it, all Uchihas can and will reproduce young."

The darker man smiled brightly. He took everything back about what he thought of his partner. However, there was still something bugging him. "Why is that though?" He tilted his head as if expecting he had finally stumped the journalist. Much to his surprise, it wasn't the case.

Naruto shifted his weight to where he was leaning across Iruka's arm to nuzzle Sasuke and cuddle him. Said mate snarled like a riled up cat at the Kyuubi, but allowed the other's ministrations to nonetheless.

"They're going extinct. There's only a few left in the world." Another potato chip slipped into Kakashi's mouth. He deliberately chewed it longer than necessary. "So it's only wise to keep one in captivity to ensure its species flourishes. Right, Iruka-kun?"

Iruka peered down at the Uchiha and stroked his side a bit. The creature gave small shrill of delight and nuzzled Iruka's shoulder. Naruto tilted his head in curiosity and patted at the man's hand that was holding him; obviously wanting the same attention. He purred excitedly when he received it with a rub to his stomach. "Alright, Kakashi-san," Iruka started. "I think it's a great idea." He beamed at the older man before carrying his charge back into the RV. "Let's go home, Kakashi-san."

Kakashi stared at the half-empty bag of chips in his hand and smiled thoughtfully. "Yes, let's."

End


End file.
